Sunday night, April 26, 2009

This just in . . .

I took a few steps on my own tonight and it felt really good.  Mind you, everyone in my family was screaming at me to "knock it off" and use the walker again.  However, I am looking forward to going to physical therapy for the first time on Wednesday and see if I am ready to become more weight bearing.  

(Just had to share.)

Anne

Thursday, April 23, 2009

It has taken me a few days to write because I have been digesting some things that have happened this week.  I find that I am having a hard time getting excited about improvements in my situation because they are always counter-balanced with real, potential set-backs.  I am continuing to have a positive attitude and everything--it just seems like all good news is always followed by a big warning of caution. 

So--here is my news . . .

Good: My wound is getting smaller.  It really is.  I can see it with my eyes.  Even though Dr. Carbonell thought it would have closed by now, he still thinks that in about 6 weeks it should be closed.

  

The Not-So Good:  The problem is that the wound needs to close over metal hardware (see the pictures?).  Everything we have done so far (foreskin, horse heart, etc.) has rejected the metal.

My infectious disease doctor, Dr. Jacobsen (the guy who always tells all the bad jokes), does NOT believe my wound will ever close over the metal hardware.  He and Dr. C. had a nice talk and agree that I should have surgery to remove the hardware if the wound does not start to close.  In that case, I would have a skin graft to cover the wound.  I would welcome the surgery (let's get things moving) but don't want to push for it if my body can do it on its own with a little time.

Good: Dr. Jacobsen took me off of the antibiotics!  Shocking!  I couldn't believe it when he said it.  He had the nurses pull the PICC line out of my arm and everything.  I was able to take my first shower last night since I fell because I don't have to keep my arm dry anymore.  This is all very liberating!  I can't believe that I don't have to cart around syringes and antibiotics with me everywhere I go!  

The Not So Good:  The only reason he took me off of them was because I have been on them for 13 weeks and my body really can't take much more.  He says that the antibiotics have done all they can and now it is a "wait and see" situation to see if the bone starts to get infected and die.  Cheery.  In that case, they would start to do surgeries to remove the dying bone and fill it with cadaver bone.  

The Good:  I am starting physical therapy next Wednesday.  A parent at school had a similar injury two years ago and had a wonderful physical therapist that she felt was very instrumental in her recovery.  So, I just got it all finalized today that I will get to use the same therapist to get me walking again.  

The Not So Good:  I am really not supposed to start PT until my wound is closed.  The open wound will really hinder what they can do with me.  Dr. Carbonell just didn't want me waiting around for another 6 weeks to start PT.  Hopefully, this amazing therapist (Margarita--I already am loving her name!) will be able to work wonders without disrupting the healing of my wound.

The Good:  It feels good to put weight on my foot.  It really does!  I have really good range of motion and can really believe that I will walk again.

The Not So Good:  They keep warning me that the bone may be dying and will shatter under my body weight during the next 6 months.  This thought scares me to death.  Everyone says, "Oh, that won't happen . . ."--but it might.  And it would really, really stink if it does.  It is mentally discouraging to me to think that all of the improvements I have patiently waited for could mean nothing, if--indeed--the bone is dying.  This is the one thing I really need to get past.  It will take me a while to figure out how I am going to put a mental spin on this so it doesn't mess with my head.

Just Plain Good:  I have been working all week at school putting together the Art Fair.  It is so great to see the kids and feel like a person again.  Driving has been WONDERFUL.  I can get to my appointments without my Mommy (although I miss seeing her as much!).  I feel like a teenager with a new license.  My four-wheeled walker is due to arrive in a week so I can start chasing the kids down the street (haha).  It will even have a fold-down seat for when I need to take a rest (but no cup-holder--the insurance wouldn't spring for that luxury).  

I really do love all of you and appreciate your continued faithfulness.  It seems very slow right now but I know that things are moving forward.

Anne

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I just took a little trip down memory lane in order to ground myself.  Long story short--I am feeling like we are going nowhere again.  It just seems like we have been at the same thing for soooo long.  I was talking to a man who experienced a similar injury eight years ago and he said that you really have to look back to see how far you have come.  If you just live in the moment, it seems like you haven't moved forward at all.  

So . . . I just looked over all of my pictures and can clearly see that my wound has gotten much smaller, I am no longer bound by the external fixator (I almost had forgotten that thing!), my facial coloring looks more life-like, and I know that I have much more energy than I had in the beginning (or even a month ago).  

People always ask, "How are you doing?"  I'll say, "Great!"--but its not great.  I am still taking killer antibiotics, have an open wound, and have no idea if my bone is even alive.  But I can't say, "Oh, I am not so good . . ." because I am really doing great!  I have come so far!  I actually feel like a person now and I can sort of get around more!  

Yes--we really have come a long way over the last 13 weeks.  Nevertheless, it still seems slow.

My girls really seem to be fearful of the next "bad thing" that might happen to our family.  There have been two times this week where the girls have been in absolute hysterics because they were afraid that one of us was hurt.  Just tonight, the girls and I came home and Doug was not here.  We tried calling his cell phone but it went straight to voice mail.  For the next 45 minutes, both girls were screaming, praying, crying--absolutely convinced that he was dead or had been in an accident.  When his headlights beamed against the window, they both jumped up like a true miracle had just occurred.  They are really fried . . . 

Dr. Carbonell officially signed my paperwork to keep me on disability through the end of the school year.  It is hard to believe that I will have missed 4 1/2 months of school by the end of May.  Sad to me.  Even though I should be at home doing nothing, I am very busy putting together our annual Art Fair.  I may be down but I am certainly not "out for the count!" 

On a happier note (this is a pretty depressing entry!), life behind the wheel has been wonderful.  I can not tell you how amazing it is to be able to drive to my own doctor's appointments and to  pick up my kids from school.  The most exciting part is figuring out the location of handicapped parking spaces, and discovering the electric scooters at the grocery stores.  I just love using my walker to get into Winn Dixie, and then actually having the right to take one of those little drivable carts and zoom around the store!  

Anyway--please say a prayer for our family.  We are all in a state of "alert" waiting for the next shoe to drop.  We need to be able to just chill out and figure out how to take this in stride.  

Love to you all--

Anne

P.S.  Speaking of unexpected disasters, Doug went to school today only to realize that his 250 gallon fish tank had cracked over the weekend.  Of course, it flooded half of the library, a conference room, a classroom, and 12 computer desks.  We now have some very stunned fish in a bucket outside our door.  Anyone looking for a sucker fish???

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The horse was sent to the glue factory.  Very sad.  Long story short, the horse heart just never wanted to attach itself to my body--or really--to the metal hardware in the middle of my wound.  Instead of drying out like a scab, it just stayed incredibly goopy and kept falling off the wound.  When Dr. Carbonell saw it again yesterday at Wound Care, he decided it would just be best to throw it away. He also scraped the last little remaining bit of dermagraft (the foreskin stuff) that was hanging around my wound.  My body is just insisting to close up this wound on its own without help.  Very independent wound. 

 

So, now being into this for 12 weeks, I am still dealing with an open wound, IV antibiotics, weekly liver and kidney blood tests, regular visits from my home health nurse to take care of the wound, a rickety walker, lots of medicines, and an unbelievable inability to move with ease from place to place.  But, heah!--what did I think was going to happen?!?!?  No biggie.  Nothing a smile and a positive attitude can't conquer.  

The one thing that has made a huge difference is . . . (I hate to tell you) . . . I am driving.  It seems a little odd that someone who can't walk should be trusted behind the wheel--but it has been going very well.  I have driven about four times now and know how to position my foot for optimum strength and comfort.  On the night that Elise and I came back early from Marco Island, I decided that I would take Elise over to Walgreens to get some milk.  Elise is always up for anything so she didn't seem too concerned to get into the car with me.  However, when I happened to check up on her at a stoplight, I noticed that she had secured all THREE of the back seat seatbelts on herself--just in case.  Stinker.  

Dr. Carbonell also decided to go ahead and send me to physical therapy even though my wound is still open.  He really wants me to work on getting more weight bearing and (drumroll) to work on learning to walk again.  He continues to caution me that the bone may shatter or die in different places over the next 6 months (that would be bad--many more months of recovery from new surgeries).  

So--I will continue to think good thoughts, pray, stay positive, do what I am told to do, and love my family!  What more can I do?

Love to you all!

Anne

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I have been thinking all night about some pictures that I found on Doug's iphone last night.  No--nothing that would break up a marriage . . . Rather, they were pictures that gave me insight into what Doug has been going through since my fall.  

So many people who have been through similar hardships have warned us about the emotional toll a long recovery can take on the primary caregiver.  While the one who is hurt (me) will often get a big "I am going to beat this thing" rush of adrenalin that will carry them through some dark times--the caregiver (my dear Douglas) is left to keep the family's "normal" life moving forward.  They usually have to stuff their feelings of worry and fear down pretty deep just to keep their heads above water.  

When I look at Doug's pictures, I see that he has spent many, many hours taking care of me when things weren't looking too good.  He has probably heard a lot of scary words from doctors that he has or hasn't passed on to me. He has had to encourage our kids to believe that I will get better.  AND he has had to do this while going to soccer games, being the lone parent at school

 musicals, teaching weekly lessons to his 450 students, caring for a cranky new bird, making meals, cleaning the house, and much, much more.  All of this is very stressful.

These pictures make me more aware than ever that he has been so faithful to me and to our kids.  The fact that he is feeling a little wear and tear from this experience makes all the sense in the world.  

My healing is nowhere close to being over. My biggest prayer is that we can roll with the bumps that will come along the way and remember that we are in God's hands.  There is nothing that we have to "freak" out about, or see as a sign of impending doom.  These pictures show me that God has been with us through some very dark times, and he will continue to be with us to the very end.

 

Friday night, April 10, 2009

Well, hello!  It has been so long since I have checked in with all of you!  We had a wonderful time relaxing, reading, talking, playing games, watching movies, laying out in the sun, swimming, and taking lots of naps!  Although I never made it out to the beach (too difficult to figure out how I would travel on the sand), Doug and the kids enjoyed collecting shells, jumping waves, and taking long walks at sunset.  Annika was thrilled to have her good friend, Quinn, join us for a few days (to celebrate her 10th birthday), and Elise was just happy to have a new bucket of Easter playdough to play with on the balcony.

Marco Island is filled with very tan, active, and friendly senior citizens.  I was getting a little tired of looking into the faces of fit and beautiful 70 year old women (with tennis racquets in hand) as they asked me questions about my fall with unbelievable pity.  Everyone wanted to know where I had gotten my cool scooter, or how long I had been on antibiotics, or when my doctor thought I might walk again.  But even though they were all very polite, they were the ones heading off to the courts to hit their tennis balls back and forth, while I was the one fitting tennis balls onto the legs of my walker.  

My doctors all worked together to make it possible for me to be away for one, entire week.  I don't know what I was thinking when we made these plans.  For the past three months, I have seen a doctor every other day . . . how did I think I would be away for 7 days without seeing a doctor??  So . . . my infectious disease doctors taught me how to mix antibiotics the old fashioned way instead of using their cool refrigerated antibiotic balloons (they only last 3 days).  This meant using a tall IV stand and priming a lot of fancy tubing before each infusion--made me feel like I had already graduated from medical school.  

Dr. Carbonell wanted me to continue to have the dressings on my wound changed every other day (which is usually done by my home health care nurse).  This was especially important because of the new horse heart bioimplant on my wound.  So . . . the nurses taught me how to do my own VAC/wound care and I did it on my own in Marco!  

Everything went great until Wednesday night when I changed my dressing and thought things looked a little funny.  Without giving too many gross details, I will just say that there was a lot of slimy gook and an odd odor coming from my wound.  Even though we were planning to stay until Friday night (right now), I did not want to be responsible for my wound getting infected while on vacation.  So, my Mom, Elise, and I headed back to Miami on Thursday morning to see Dr. Carbonell.  Turned out that everything was fine (whew!) and he even wrote me a prescription for a walker with 4 wheels and a fold-down seat (the seniors in Marco will really be jealous, now!!).

Although our vacation ended a little abruptly (Doug and Annika came back this morning), it was wonderful to get away and even make an awkward attempt to swim in a pool!

Life is good.

Anne

Friday morning, April 10, 2009

Hello!  So many of you have written to me about my Dad.  

Most of you who know him are 

a) in agreement that he is an incredibly giving and caring man,

b) amazed that he would divert from his regularly scheduled shaving routine,

c) thrilled that he is doing something for himself,

d) insisting that he will look great no matter what he does with his facial hair!!

Turns out that he agreed with most of you and decided to shave his hair in the "Van Dyke" style. Cute, huh?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Well, hello from Marco Island!!  Some friends of ours from Chicago are letting us use their lovely condo on the beach for Spring Break (I know--we are really suffering).  So on Friday, my father loaded up his car with 8,000 saline syringes, 70 miles of gauze, a portable IV stand, a 35 pound box of antibiotics, a walker, a wheelchair, a scooter, and everything else necessary to keep me alive for the next week--and we drove over to Marco Island.  Doug and the girls came later and my Mom is coming in a few days. 

I could talk about the fact that it is Annika is turning 10 on Wednesday, or that I bought a New Balance shoe that has already changed my life, or that we have already been to the Urgent Care Center in Naples for a strep culture (negative--thank goodness), or that Elise can talk a mile a minute and play RummiKub all night long, but . . .

I would rather talk about my Dad.

My Dad has run two miles every other day for his entire life--never missed a day.  My Dad has called every member of his congregations on their birthday since he started his pastoral career.  My Dad finds everyone fascinating.  I don't think he has met a person he doesn't like yet.  My Dad has worn the same pair of swimming trunks since 1973 and still thinks of them as "new."  If you buy him a new pair, he will put them in a drawer for a "special occasion."  And . . . my Dad is the kind of guy who will load up his van with an obscene amount of stuff just so his daughter can have an encouraging week away from home.  Quite a special man.

My Dad is also a guy who does the same thing every day.  Same breakfast.  Same exercise routine.  Same mid-morning nap. UNTIL THREE WEEKS AGO . . . when he decided to grow out his beard.  Shocking.

I include here a picture of him as he appears now.  We are all debating where he should go next with his look . . . friendly mutton chop? a van dyke? what about a hollywoodian? What do you think?

Love to you all!

Anne

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

It really has felt like my ankle and I have been in a holding pattern for a while.  We have been waiting for my wound to heal so that I can start physical therapy and (hopefully) quit taking the antibiotics.  Last week, Dr. Carbonell said that he hoped the tissue would grow over the exposed metal and that the wound would close up on its own in about 2 months (maybe).  Tick . . . tock . . . tick . . . tock.

Well--guess what!?!  I went to my usual appointment at the Wound Care Center with Dr. Carbonell yesterday and THINGS ARE MOVING AGAIN!

Let me tell you what happened . . .

After saying hello to all of my friends in the waiting room (a lovely mix of people with crazy foot issues--we look like the Land of Misfit Toys), I was called back to the go to one of the examination rooms.  My favorite nurse, Judy (Shaun Cassidy's mother-in-law--no kidding), took the dressings off my foot and thought it looked great.  

Then Dr. Carbonell walked in and was amazed at how much I could move my foot around.  He told me that I should start "walking" on it as much as possible to strengthen the bone.  We decided that he would let me go to physical therapy ONE time so I could learn how to use the walker while being about 75% weight bearing. 

 Then he said that he felt like I could start DRIVING again!  Judy and I both were like, "WHAT?!?!?"  He said that the ankle is strong enough now to be able to apply pressure to the pedals (one more reason for you to stay off the road!!).  I think I will hold off on that for a while but it sure was a sweet idea.  Ahh . . . independence.

THEN . . . he noted to himself that the tissue is still having a hard time growing over the bracket.  Just then, he left the room and said to someone in the hallway, "I think this patient would be a wonderful candidate for your new product."  In walks a pharmaceutical rep (I had noticed him hanging out in the waiting room previously) who looks at my wound and says, "Yep, I just saw another patient who had exposed metal in his wound and the orthadapt worked great on it." 

Dr. Carbonell looks at me and says that this rep is introducing a new product and would like to donate one application of it to a patient of Dr. Carbonell's choosing.  I immediately got the feeling that I was about to receive the equivalent of a free kidney or something.  Turns out that orthadapt is a very expensive "bioimplant" made from the sheath that surrounds a horse's heart (it wasn't enough that I already have human newborn foreskin on my wound--now I have a horse's heart, too!!!).  The orthadapt is cut to fit the wound and is then attached using multiple stitches around the perimeter of the wound.  As a result, the now-covered wound begins to produce enzymes that accelerate epithelialization (growth of tissue over a wound).  

As the wound heals, the outer edges of the orthadapt becomes dark and hard.  Eventually, the entire orthadapt will be dark and fall off like a scab with my own skin healed underneath!!  From the research I saw today while googling, I can see that this is really great stuff and should increase the liklihood that my wound will heal on its own (and faster!).  

It was obviously such an amazing blessing that I would be there just when the rep was visiting, and that Dr. Carbonell would choose me from his other hundreds of patients to receive the one free piece of horse heart.  So awesome.  Of course, I still have all the scary stuff looming (infection, death, or shattering of the bone resulting in an ankle fusion) but for today, it was great to have some good news!

Of course when it was all over and I mentioned to Judy that I was hungry, she said, "I bet you could eat a horse!"  Then when I tried to get down off the bed on my own she said, "Hey!  Hold your horses!!"  Let the horse jokes begin . . .

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

We had a great time at the Fair the other night.  A friend from school got us a VIP pass that allowed us to get in for free, and park right by the entrance.  So, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, Doug, the girls, and I all jammed into my parents' car with the wheelchair "securely" tied to the top of the car.  Hilarious.  

I quickly realized that one has complete loss of control when being wheeled around in a wheelchair.  I have never thought about how I "navigate" through a crowd, but being at the will of someone else's choice of movement was very interesting.  I spent the entire night reassuring frightened strangers that my outstretched leg was not about to impale them (when really I wasn't sure if that was going to be true). 

When being pushed by Elise, she would be talking about the cotton candy stand just as I was seeing a huge trash can coming straight for me.  It wouldn't be until we hit the can that she realized that she wasn't watching where we were going.  Other times I got stuck in front of the guy with the microphone beckoning me to try to get the ring on the neck of a bottle to win an ugly, overstuffed animal.  I can't stand that section.

The plus side of being in a wheelchair is the automatic connection you have with everyone else who is getting around without walking.  From the disabled guy in the battery powered scooter to the old lady in the wheelchair, we all kind of find each other and share a knowing smile. Being able to have the front row seat at every show is really nice, too.

The sweetest part of being at the Fair was hearing my kids squeal in delight when twirling and whirling on the rides.  Things always haven't been real joyful for them lately so it was great to see them having some good ol' fashioned fun at the Fair.

Good times.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I will write later about our weekend trip to the Miami Fair, but I first wanted to share the following email with you.  It arrived in my mailbox under the heading "How Smart is Your Right Foot?" 

I opened it thinking that it was some sort of inspirational poem about my right foot but it was something a little different.  I have to wonder what kind of friend (Judy Forjan) would send this email to someone who can hardly move her right foot in the first place (!), but I will let it go.  

Try it!  Here it is . . .

"You have to try this please; it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!!  It is from an orthopedic surgeon and will boggle your mind. This is sure to keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot but you can't.  It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY!!) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

Isn't it weird that this simple task is such a challenge?  Send it to your friends to frustrate them too..."

 

Friday, March 27, 2009

Howdy!  I have actually been able to get out of the house during the last few days!  I spent one day at school on Wednesday and began doing a little work for our Art Fair.  It is so much fun to see all of the teachers and kids.  Makes me feel like I am back in "the land of the living" again.

My dear friend, Lisa, who has taken over my class is doing such an amazing job.  Watching her enthusiastically teach class after class that came in made me realize something that I really didn't want to admit . . . That I do not have the energy right now to take on teaching full-time quite yet.  Just trying to maneuver my ridiculous body around the room was difficult in and of itself!  

The other thing is that my foot is still so fragile.  Just being up a little while makes it swell up like crazy.  I can not compromise healing just because I am antsy to get back to work.  Hopefully I will be able to return about half-time by the last month of school.  Dr. Carbonell told me that I can go back to work in August.  As usual--time will tell.  

Love to you all--

Anne

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hello!  Throughout the past week, I have been amazed at how my wound appears to be getting smaller.  Sure enough, when Dr. Carbonell saw my wound, he was thrilled.  He said (if he was a betting man), it would probably be closed in about 6 weeks.  Even though the metal bar is still running through the middle of the wound, there is some tissue that seems to be acting like it wants to start to go over the metal.  If this works out, it would mean that I don't have to have another surgery in the next month.  That would be great.

I also asked Dr. Carbonell for his best guess at my future.  As a result, I feel like I got a realistic picture of what is to come.

Basically, assuming the wound heals, we will now be dealing with the bone.  There are a number of hurdles that will face us that will just be a "time will tell" situation.

Hurdle #1:  Death of the bone.  Even though the bone is alive right now, it could easily start to die over the next few months because of all the capillaries and blood vessels that were severed during the fall.  If the bone can not get enough blood, it will die.

Hurdle #2: Infection of the bone.  If they take me off the antibiotics too early, they are afraid that the bacteria that may have been trapped inside the bone fragments (that have now healed into a solid mass) will take hold of the bone and kill it.  There will come a point soon when they need to take me off of the antibiotics because of all of the negative side effects associated with their use.  Then it will just be a "wait and see" situation.

Hurdle #3: Collapse of the bone.  Once I go through physical therapy and start putting my full body weight on the bone, there is about a 50-50 chance that the bone will shatter and collapse.  Dr. Carbonell said that if it is going to happen, it will usually take place within the 6 months after being weight-bearing.  

If any of these hurdles occur, I will most likely have to have an ankle fusion.  This is where they permanently put the ankle in a fixed position so that it is not using the compromised bone in any way.  There are a host of yucky things that go along with ankle fusions--one being the four months of recovery required after surgery.  

So . . . my prayer is that we will take each of these hurdles one at a time and beat each one.  I know I have no power over any of it so I fully release it to my OH-So-much-smarter-than-me God.  

Love to you all!

Anne

Monday, March 24, 2009

Well, hello!  It has been a while since I last wrote!  If you notice a few days passing between entries, it is usually a sign that I am feeling a little down.  When I feel the blues coming on, I am finding that I am better off ignoring the situation for a little while rather than writing all about it in my blog.  Nevertheless, I am back on an upswing so . . . here I am!

Doug is back and the girls and I could not be happier.  What a blessing to have his whistling, happy body back home.

My friend, Marjorie, told me that her mother fell getting out of bed and broke BOTH of her ankles!!!  She now wears the same black boot that I wear on BOTH of her feet!  Poor thing!

Marjorie told me that her Dad refers to the boots as her "Frankenstein" boots.  Well, never having been a fan of Frankenstein, I did a little research to find out what he was talking about.  I have included a picture of Frank's boots and have to agree that they do bear a striking resemblance to my new footwear.  Although I might feel like the a pathetic version of the monster hobbling around with my walker (now fitted with tennis balls--I might add!!!), I much prefer Elise's perception of my appearance.  :)

Matt and Vera, my brother and sister-in-law, just arrived from Chicago to visit us and to attend a wedding.  Just when I was feeling like I was the only one attached to weird contraptions while sleeping at night, Matt pulled out this new thing he has to wear for his sleep apnea.  It is basically a blow up projectile that he straps on to keep him from rolling over onto his back while sleeping.  I just about peed my pants watching him demonstrate this miraculous development in modern medicine. 

I head to wound care to see Dr. Carbonell tomorrow so I will let you know the latest news as soon as I hear it.

Love to you all!

Anne

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Before I begin, here is a late St. Patrick's Day joke told to me by my infectious disease doctor . . . Here it is -- Name a famous Irish outdoorsman.  (Answer at the end)

I really miss Doug.  I feel like we are just barely limping along (literally and figuratively) without him.  He left me these sweet little lunches in the fridge so the girls can grab them in the morning and leave them by my bed.  It will be good to have our family back together again on Sunday night.

My friend, Nancy, wheeled me through the entire Miami Metro Zoo this morning (a huge walk if you haven't been there before).  We went early to miss the school field trips and such.  All of the animals were awake and active--like they were waiting for us to come.  

I am still milling over all the news Dr. Carbonell gave me on Tuesday and am feeling a little "antsy in my pantsy."  I want to get hopping on doing my physical therapy.  I am ready to just rip some skin off my thigh (never looked very good in a bathing suit anyway so may as well do some permanent damage) and put it over my wound.  This waiting around for natural healing is boring.  :)  Just kidding.  

I act like I have all these better things to do but the reality still remains that I SLEEP CONSTANTLY.  I am just-plain pooped.  I sat in a wheelchair this morning at the zoo for less than two hours and came home feeling like I had just run a marathon.  I felt better when I had a home evaluation this afternoon from my home nursing company.  The nurse just emphasized again that the antibiotics that I am on completely wear you down and urged me to GET THE REST I NEED.  I feel guilty resting.  I feel like I should be working.

Oh well--just venting a little again.

Love you all!

Anne

P.S.  Answer:  Patio Furniture!

 

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

 Well, it only makes sense after my Saturday entry that I am now telling you that my husband is leaving me.  NO--not "leaving"me--heaven forbid.  He is just leaving to go to New Orleans for a science conference until Sunday night.  I am in a little bit of denial about what this really means for us.  I am sure I will be writing you soon to tell you of the piles of laundry, filthy floors, boring (or non-existent) meals, and the eerie dullness that has plagued our house since his departure.  If any of you would like to stop by around bedtime to help us all get settled in for the night.  Feel free!  

 

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

WATCH OUT FOR THAT CURVE BALL!!!  I think that is what someone should have said before I entered Dr. Carbonell's office today.  Just when I thought I knew what was going on--everything changed.  

One--I need to stay on the antibiotics for at least another month (maybe longer).  Both of my doctors agree that there is a great likelihood that the bacteria is still hiding out in the bone. They are both afraid that if I go off the antibiotics, that the bacteria will come out from the bone, kill it--and then I could lose the foot.  Oh . . . I hadn't heard about that.  This is a very real concern--one they will have to weigh with causing damage to my kidneys and liver from being on the antibiotics for too long.

Two--I am NOT going for physical therapy anytime soon.  Dr. Carbonell wants my wound to be closed up first before I start sweating and moving my foot all around.  For now, he wants me to continue to move it around on my own and put pressure on it when I walk with my walker. (The pictures show my wound before and after dermagraft.  The milky appearance is the dermagraft that my own tissue has "absorbed."  The VAC will now encourage my own skin cells to fill in the rest.) 

Three--He foresees me wearing my velcro boot and using my walker until AT LEAST August.  Now picture this in July with a bathing suit (Really--I'm not complaining).

Four--If it means that I have to be in a standing position--he does not want me to return to work until August.  I think I will figure out a way to teach sitting down.

Five--If the wound does not close up in a month, he will have me go through another surgery to remove the plate by my ankle and use my own skin to cover the wound.  Right now, my own tissue and the dermagraft is resisting growing over the metal plate (you can see from the pictures).  The plate is quite long so he would really have to cut far above and below the wound to remove it, but if it refuses to heal--we will have no choice.

Six--I am wearing the VAC again (see the tube?).  The constant suction will encourage the tissue to grow.

FINALLY--on a personal note--I wore real pants today for the first time (wipe away a tear).  And . . . I was able to speak to my students today at their weekly chapel to talk about the struggles and blessings that have come from this injury.  So good to see them.

Love to you all!

Anne

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The life of a caregiver is never easy.  You have to watch over this person who is very needy and helpless and wants you ALL THE TIME for something.  You don't get cards in the mail.  Nobody sends you flowers.  You are expected to be happy, and caring, and loving--without ever a word of complaint.  You just keep taking care of this person who was dumb enough to climb up on a ladder without help.  And somehow, because of their stupidity--you are stuck cleaning bed pans, making lunches, and taking on the jobs of two people.  

Understanding that my Douglas (my caregiver) has been absolutely amazing, I have sat by and listened to a story he has been repeating since I came home on Thursday.  Mind you, the last few days have been a bit of a blur.  Sleeping a lot.  Taking pain meds. Moving my ankle a little.  Using the bed pan (highly over-rated).  But I keep hearing this story.  Over and over.  The same story.  So I will share it with you now . . .

You will have to have Doug tell it to you to get the full effect . . . something about me thinking that I could walk a mile the minute I got home from the hospital.  That he saw my knees begin to buckle when I tried to "walk" to the bathroom and that he caught me from behind.  That I kept telling him I was fine--and then I would suddenly go limp again.  That he dragged me to the toilet, only to have me throw my head back and start making a deep, guttural sound (he will gladly reenact it for you).  He will also show you how my eyes rolled back in my head and that I turned the color of a banana peel.  He yelled and yelled at me, but I wouldn't answer.  I kept looking worse and making fewer noises.  Then he says that he tried to hold me on the toilet while trying to dial 9-1-1 but mistakenly dialed 9-1-1-1 so the call wouldn't go through.  And just when he was ready to say good bye to me for good--to thank the Lord for the 15 wonderful years we have had together--I jerked my head up and said, "What in the world are you calling 911 for?!?!?  There is nothing wrong with me!!!!"

I think it was at that point that he decided to quit his job as my caregiver.

Say a prayer for Douglas tonight that he will not have heart problems by the time my ankle has healed.

Love to you all!

Anne

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Mom brought me to Jackson South this morning for my surgery.  Everything went extremely well.  Dr. Carbonell was able to remove the fixator, remove a little hardware, and cover the wound.  He also manipulated my foot out of the 90 degree angle-position that it has been in for the last 8 weeks.  He says that in order to do that, he tore apart a lot of scar tissue--painful--but good.  The best news was that the talus bone looks like it is alive.  Thanks be to God.

I have been feeling good the last few days--zipping around on my scooter and visiting school. So, I think I kind of had it in my head that I was going to have my surgery and continue improving.  WRONG!  I can see that I am now almost back at the beginning.  LOTS of pain. Very painful movement.  Strong spasms.  We found that I can't even get up to go to the bathroom 

without blanking out from the pain so we are back to using the bed pan.  Fun!  

I called Dr. Carbonell about it and he let me know that I will be experiencing some pretty extreme pain for the next few days because of the ankle manipulation during the surgery. However, hopefully the pain will begin to subside so I can start to take on physical therapy next week.  Time will tell.

I am encouraged.  This is all part of the process.  My spirits are good.  My family is amazing.  My friends are incredibly supportive.  

Love you all so much!

Anne

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

As I sit here, I can hear Doug talking to Annika.  She is trying to settle down for bed but is heartbroken about my surgery tomorrow.  She is so worried about ankle fusions, infection, bone death, amputation--things a kid really would never know about unless they were planning a future in podiatry.  I hate to hear her cry--wondering why this had to happen to me.  I hate to think that I have caused her such deep angst.  She is trying so hard to let it go--but it is eating her up.  

In reality--tomorrow will be wonderful.  It will be amazing to get this fixator off of my leg--I think my leg might fly up in the air the minute they take it off.  I am also thrilled at the idea of covering up my ugly wound (actually--it has gotten pretty darn good looking if I do say so myself).  I also just might be pretty close to getting off the antibiotics because I have now managed to live through eight weeks of treatment!!

I mentioned before that this surgery will most likely be the beginning of a new chapter of my story.  I now know that to be true.  On Monday--I will begin my first day of physical therapy to see what my poor ankle can do.  But it will also be when we get to look at the new x-rays to see if the shattered pieces of bone were able to stay alive.  If the talus bone was just too damaged for the blood to return to the bone, it will be dead.  I'd like to think that I have my very own Easter miracle going on in my foot right now and that the bone is alive!  Whatever the case will be--I am up for it.  Who cares.  It all makes life interesting--right???

Please be praying for Doug, Annika, and Elise as they each handle their concern for me in their own way.  They have been so brave throughout this whole deal.  I love them so much.

Love you, too!

Anne

P.S. A wonderful artist and author, Jim Arnosky, came to talk to our students today at school so I went to hear him.  So great to see him at work--but also to see my students.  They all tell me that they have been praying for me every night and that they are so proud of me.  What amazing kids.

 

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Good Morning!  Today is a big day because I am going to all my doctors to prepare for my surgery which is now on THURSDAY at noon.  

Remember when I wrote you that I was perfectly happy staying in bed all day sleeping?  Well, my body must be doing better because I am DESPERATE to get out of the house.  I went to school yesterday and was delighted to see so many of my students--it really fed my spirit.  So many people have mentioned that it is common to go through a time of depression/anxiety when going through something like this.  Well, I have really been fighting it a little during the last week and it has been wonderful to combat it with PRAYER, PEOPLE, SUNSHINE, AND OUTINGS!  

Praise be to God for the dear people who have encouraged me--sometimes without even realizing it.  One friend brought me a toe ring to put on my foot.  She told me that every time I look at it, I can remember that God loves me.  A sweet student at school yesterday gave me a note and ended it with, "For I will restore your health to you and heal you of your wounds," says the Lord (Jeremiah 30:17a).  The wounds feel both physical and emotional this week--so I am taking that one to heart.  So many have continued to remember and encourage us in such amazing ways--we are so blessed.

Love to you all!

Anne 

Saturday, March 7, 2009

After a difficult night, I woke up this morning to an unexpected email from a friend.  She wrote, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lam. 3:22-23).”  At the very moment I read those words, my ever-whistling husband began whistling, "Great is thy Faithfulness" off in the kitchen.  It was another confirmation of what I have been trying to allow myself to fully believe--that God is in every detail.  He knows everything I need.  He will take care of me.  I do not need to worry.  God is good.

As my ankle pain begins to subside and my healing is moving along, more of "real" life is beginning to creep back into my life.  The cost of this injury and the realities of budget

 issues at our school has brought about new concerns that are hard for me to "let go and let God."  Somehow it is easier for me to give my ankle over to the Lord because it is obvious that I am powerless to do anything about it.  But when it comes to money--it feels like I should still have to bear some of the responsibility to take care of it.  I am working through this.  It has really gotten me down and I just can not slip downward.  I have too far to go.

So--today I got out of the house and went to Annika's soccer game.  I saw so many people from school and was greatly encouraged by many of the conversations that I had with them.  It was good to see sunlight, hear the joyful voices of children, and be hugged and kissed by friends.  Life really is good.

Love to you all--

Anne

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I have news!  I went to see Dr. Carbonell today and found out that I am scheduled for surgery for next Friday (the 13th).  He is going to remove the metal plate that is still exposed on my bone, close up the wound with dermagraft, and then . . . (drumroll) . . . take off the external fixator!  

Following the surgery, he will fit me with a boot and start me on physical therapy for three times a week.  Also, even though the wound will be covered with skin, Dr. Carbonell would still like me to continue with the VAC therapy.  That means that I will still need to carry around my little machine all the time and be seen by my home health care nurse twice a week.  

In addition, by next Friday, I will have been on the antibiotics for eight weeks.  So . . . it just might be that my infectious disease doctor will have me stop taking the IV antibiotics (the ones that are still causing me such wacky side-effects).  

So many changes . . . can you stand it???

I had planned to host a chapel presentation at my school on March 17 (the Tuesday after my surgery) so I hope that I will still be up for it.  I have been so anxious to go back to my sweet students and talk to them about this entire experience.  I want to talk to them honestly about how difficult this process has been--but that it has been such a blessing, too.  Even though they may be as young as five years of age, many of them are experiencing tragedies far worse than my little ankle problem.  I want them to know that God has a plan for them--no matter how bad it may seem right now.  

So many of you have written me such amazing things.  I have heard from old friends from college and my childhood, Kindergarten students, people currently going through horrendous hardships, wonderful parents of my students, dear members of my church, my crazy brothers, and even people I have never met.  Each of you have reacted to tiny things I have said in my blog by sending me jokes, ridiculous videos, words that let me know that you "get it," inspirational verses, offers for rides and meals, and medical advice given to you by doctors or friends.  One of you even sent me a picture of a person's ankle after it had been mauled by a polar bear--sure proof that there is an ankle out there that is definitely worse than mine!  :)

I love each of you so much and appreciate that God is using you to bring me through this time.  

Thank you so much.

Anne

Saturday, February 28, 2009

OK, OK!  I won't do any more googling!!!  So many of you have written to tell me to get off the computer and take this whole thing day by day.  I now know that giving into the temptation of taking a sneak peek at the future really FREAKS ME OUT!  

Since being discharged from the hospital, the only reason I have left the house is to go see a doctor.  Well, last Thursday, I took my foot on a big field trip to our school.  I helped Annika and some classmates make chili for a chili cook-off, and Elise got to explain all of the medical gadgets attached to me to her class.  It was good to be at school again--and I was glad that I felt at peace being there.  I left feeling like--I know that I will one day return to teach, but I am in no shape for that right now.  All in good time.  

After two hours at school, I was totally exhausted and came home and slept and slept and slept. Every time I woke up, I thought about my students and colleagues who were happy to see me, my good friend who has done a fantastic job taking over my Art classes for me, the kind school parents who are bending over backwards to help us out, my dear girls who seemed relieved to see me out of the house and in my usual surroundings, and my precious husband who is managing to keep our family afloat with a smile.

Doug and I enjoyed some time together this weekend because the girls both had sleepovers on Friday night.  We managed to watch The Bucket List without falling asleep.  This was actually a really big deal because--prior to my fall--we had rented that movie three times without ever watching it before the due date!  

Then, on Saturday, we got really ambitious and went to the movie theater to see Slumdog Millionaire (my second field trip of the week!!).  Now, when I get in a wheelchair with my leg straight out and my foot propped up on 5 pillows--I am quite a sight.  I literally scared small children at the theater.  We laughed and laughed trying to fit me and my foot into the handicapped bathroom. It was good to be out doing something normal.

On a bummer note, my insurance is "officially" unwilling to pay for the dermagraft necessary to close up my wound.  I don't know what this means for me, but I am sure Dr. Carbonell will tell me what is next soon enough.

Thanks for all of your encouraging notes!  Much love to you all!

Anne

Thursday night, February 27, 2009

I just made the mistake of googling "ankle fusion."  Freaks me out.  There are a ton of people who have written about what it is like to recover from a bad ankle break.  All of a sudden it is dawning on me that I may be looking at a future of living in constant pain.  I don't want to be on pain meds for the rest of my life.  I am also realizing that when they talk about these future surgeries--we are talking about a long time of recovery.  I kind of had it in my head that I would just have to make it through this recovery . . . but not a few more!  And so many people write that the one surgery causes another problem that results in another surgery.  I want to get back to work and my life.   How long will this take?  What are we talking about here? I think that I just might be dealing with this for the rest of my life.  What in the world was I doing on that ladder?

I am just thinking about my friends, Joyce McKimson and Sharon Carper.  These are two amazing women in different stages of dealing with cancer.  They, too, will be dealing with their cancer for the rest of their lives.  And yet they are facing life with courage.  Taking life one day at a time.

Get over yourself, Anne.  Deal with it.  Everyone has their stuff that they have to deal with. Yours just happens to be your ankle.  You will make it.

Thanks for letting me vent.  

Anne

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Well, the people have spoken.  66% of you voted that you would enjoy seeing a current picture of my wound.  It looks good, huh???  Lucky for the 8% of you who voted that my wound pictures gross you out—this picture isn’t too bad compared to the first ones (feel free to scroll down to look at some of the earlier pictures if you don’t believe me!).  I still have that pesky little hole (see it below the wound?) where fluid drains out.  The hole should close up eventually.

When Dr. Carbonell saw my wound yesterday, he was more convinced than ever that I need to get the wound covered with dermagraft (a skin substitute made from human newborn foreskin).  Hopefully the insurance company will approve it soon.

It is interesting that the focus so far has been on keeping the infection at bay and taking care of my open wound.  We really have not talked at all about the bone itself.  When I mentioned it yesterday, Dr. Carbonell kind of smiled—like—we are not ready to go there yet.  The nurse even said that my body is producing the fluid in the ankle area (that is sucked out by the VAC) because it is trying to fill in the areas that would normally be filled with bone.  That one was new to me.  Made me think that I should go out to the front yard and look for those pieces of bone that got left behind. 

I can see that once the external fixator is taken off and x-rays are taken, a whole new chapter to this story is going to begin. 

I feel encouraged that I seem more human-like lately.  When I am not sleeping (I sleep about 15 hours a day), I feel like myself—a non-mobile version of myself—but still myself.  That is good.

My friend, Natalie, drove me to my appointments yesterday and managed to meet someone she knew at each office.  She even ran into a close relative at my wound care center.  My foot is bringing people together. Who knew?

Love to you all!

Anne (and my foot)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Hello!  My Mom has been taking care of me over the last few weeks—coming by to feed me lunch, drive me to appointments, take care of my kids, provide me with Gatorade when I look like I am about to pass out, and give me good ol’ motherly love. 

Well, she has left me.  Left to go to California and Chicago for two weeks. 

So, I am now spending my days alone.  All alone.  With no one to care for me. No one to pick me up off the bathroom floor when I have tripped over my VAC tube.  No one to spoonfeed my DanActive drink into my trembling lips.  No one to help me wrestle my underwear up over my external fixator. 

But I will make it.  I will.

And all kidding aside—I hated it today when I knew that I would not hear the sound of her coming through the door and calling out, “It’s me, Annie!”  There has been something so wonderful about needing my Mom again—like I did when I was little.  She is an amazing woman who has been so willing to drop everything for her daughter.  And although she may regret raising me to be the independent type of girl who would decide to climb up a tall ladder without help, she loves me—lame foot and all.

Enjoy your break, Mom. 

Love, Anne

P.S.  I got a handmade card in the mail today that said, “She had a great fall . . . and love came tumbling after.”  I am feeling the love from all of you.  Thank you so much.  --Anne